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I think I found another sport that is almost as big a joke as roller derby.
Soccer.
We all know soccer, don’t we? A bunch of dudes with names we can’t pronounce in bad polyester shirts kicking a ball back and forth for 90 minutes. Unlike real sports, they don’t play for teams- they play for “concepts”. The Mutiny. Revolution. Clash.
Maybe, if you are lucky, 1 or 2 goals will be scored in those 90 long, boring, and dull minutes. Or even 1 or 2 SHOTS ON GOAL.
27 fans in the stands.
Except in Europe and South America, where the fans fill the stadiums, so that they can KILL each other until the local militia throws tear gas at them.
Then again, I would kill someone too if I paid 20 bucks to see this garbage for an hour and half! Hell, some English dude beating some Italian to death with a tire iron is the ONLY way to get over your boredom while attending these games!
But it gets worse. You see, English Premiere League/ UEFA Cup champions Manchester United have declined to play for England’s most prestigious prize, the FA Cup because they want to compete for a World Club championship in Brazil.
How horrible! I mean how much of a joke must your sport be if your top team refuses to compete for your biggest prize??!!???
Imagine if the San Antonio Spurs called David Stern up at the NBA office this week and said, “Look we don’t want to play for the championship this May. We will be too busy competing for the McDonald’s Championship!”
Or imagine the Dallas Stars refusing to defend the Stanley Cup so that they can play a series with some Russian team. What a true embarrassment that would be!
What makes this really terrible is that now whoever wins the FA Cup, no matter how well they play or how resounding the victory, they will always be only second place since they did NOT play Manchester United!
I compare this to when Michael Jordan retired to play baseball and the Houston Rockets proceeded to win the NBA title two years in a row. Come on now, be honest. . .do you REALLY think the Rockets would have gotten over if they faced the Bulls in the finals those two years? (And don’t you think the Bulls would have made the finals that second year IF MJ played a full season?)
OF COURSE NOT! I’m sorry, but during most of the 90s, if you didn’t have to beat the Bulls to win the title, you finished second! (The difference between the Rockets and whoever wins the FA Cup this spring is this, however: it was NOT the NBA’s fault that MJ retired.)
But the story gets worse. The FA Cup committee has announced that in order to maintain an even elimination field tournament bracket, they will advance one team that LOST to the next round.
Let me see if I can get this straight. Arsenal smokes Blackburn Rovers 6-0 (not that there ever will be a soccer game with THAT many goals- let’s say 3-0) in the quarterfinals.
Blackburn Rovers advance to the semifinals anyway.
In the final at Wembley, Blackburn turns around and edges out Arsenal 1-0 but STILL wins the championship over a team that outscored them 3-1!!! This is even more f’d up then Bischoff’s Cruiserweight tournament in 1996!
Imagine if in the playoffs, the Green Bay Packers beat the Detroit Lions, 33-0 in the wildcard game. Then the NFL sez, OK Lions we will give you ANOTHER chance!
The Lions get back in the playoffs and beat Dallas 10-9 for the right to face Green Bay at Lambeau field for the NFC Championship. Brett Favre gets a concussion, and can't play.
The crummy Lions proceed to beat Green Bay 7-6, and go to the Super Bowl!
This clearly is an absolute outrage, and anyone that is a fan of soccer should be ashamed of themselves.
I mean if Manchester United is such a great team (and trust me they are) and you still want them to compete for your top trophy without taking away from the chance of winning the World Championship, then have them play the WINNER of the tournament for the FA Cup!
DUH!!!!!!!
Another stupid soccer idea is the MLS Cup. It’s bad enough that Major League Soccer started it’s season way back in March and it is STILL GOING ON! What is even worse is that it’s championship game will not be held until NOVEMEBER 21!
And you’ll get a good laugh out of where the game will be held- FOXBORO, MASSACHUSETTS!
Now I’m no Willard Scott, but I imagine it will be kind of cold in Massachusetts in early November. I feel sorry for all those poor little South Americans and Italians used to playing in tropical temperatures freezing their ASSES off in 28-degree weather in front of 700 fans. I mean, doesnt it HURT to head a ball that is frozen as solid as a ROCK?????
Nice job, MLS. What marketing genius thought of THAT one? Not only do you have to sit through a crappy meandering soccer game you catch HYPOTHERMIA!!!! Real nice. Sounds like a fun day out to me!
Anyway, does it really matter anyway? Thank God I am an American. My sports are watching some dude knock the chiclets our of Mike Modano’s head in a hockey game; or one of the Cowboys knocking Steve Young totally unconscious on Sunday afternoon.
No Carlos Valderamma dribbling some big stupid white ball to Frank Koplas. No watching 90 minutes of foreigners running up and down the field only to have to have a shoot out to settle an uneventful 0-0 tie.
Save your emails about soccer, smarks. I do not care if the Columbus Crew have a new stadium. Nor do I need to know that the face of soccer will now change that the San Jose Clash have changed their name to the Earthquakes (that worked really well in the NASL, didn’t it?)
Also, save your emails about how the rest of the world loves soccer so it’s a great sport. I know America does not follow soccer. That is one of the reasons why we are the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!!
Sorry, the fact that highly developed leading edge socially enlightened democratic countries like Cameroon, Nigeria, North Korea and Croatia have fielded World Cup teams in the past 20 years will NOT impress me that soccer is fresh!
The bottom line is this- just like Pancrase, soccer has always been, is, and always will be a dreadful bore here in America.
Soccer always has, does, and always will SUCK.
XXXX
I apologize for all the non-wrestling takes here, smarks- I’ll get to some wrestling in just a minute.
But I’m mad as hell and am NOT going to take it anymore! I am sick and TIRED of all these losers knocking Bill Gates!
Could someone PLEASE explain to me what is wrong with WINDOWS???!!???? I happen to think Windows rules and kicks ass!!! I mean where would I be without SPELLCHECKER????
As for the US government, OK good break up Microsoft. That’s all we need are 30 little companies developing lousy computer operating systems that all suck in the name of free market competition. That won’t set technology back 50 years or anything.
I mean what will we be left with after Microsoft is gone??? AOL? NETSCAPE???? Greeeeeat.
As matter of fact, why stop there? Why not just set all computers to DOS? Remember DOS? Just think. If Uncle Sam gets his way we’ll all be sending all our email messages in green letters followed by a cursor and printing out documents on dot matrix printers!!!!!! I'm really looking forward to that.
Why, why not just go back to CARRIER PIGEON??? I heard the Pony Express was quite efficient.
Stop busting on Bill Gates. Dude is a genius with $100 billion (and by the way much of that goes to charity) and is obviously someone that 99% of his detractors will never be- brilliant and RICH.
I love Windows. Windows RULES. OK so Bill Gates had to step on some heads on the way to the top. But is it really so bad that almost EVERY computer uses the same operating system?????!!!!!!
MEMO TO THE US GOVERNMENT AND ALL ENEMIES OF BILL GATES:
WINDOWS IS GOOD. MONOPOLIES ARE GOOD. STOP MESSING WITH SUCCESS.
WANT TO BREAK UP A REALMONOPOLY??
INVESTIGATE AOL WHO IS FLOODING THE MARKET WITH FREE INSTALLATION SOFTWARE FOR AN ISP THAT SUCKS. THROW STVEEN CASE'S ASS IN JAIL, NOT BILL GATES.
XXXX
Word we get is that Vince Russo is considering getting rid of Juvi Guerrera because he can’t speak English. In a way, I feel personally responsible for this.
See, a few weeks ago I busted on Juven-Dude for being in the US of A for four years and not being able to speak the Queens English BUT I did NOT do it with the intention of him getting his ASS run out of WCW!!!!!
But if the mastery of proper language usage IS a criteria for success in today’s wrestling environment, I think there is a another employee that Russo needs to take a close look at- Kevin Nash.
From what I hear Nash is doing his promos- reading CUE CARDS!!!
I’m sorry, but that is HORRIBLE!!!!!! If you cannot deliver a good promo without some tech geek holding up sign-guy posterboard in front of your mug, then you do NOT belong in the business.
Which brings up a question: we all know that Kevin Nash cannot wrestle. He certainly cannot do color commentary. And as we learned on Nitro, Big Sexy is the worst referee that we have ever seen since Bronko Lubich.
But the saving grace of this big huge stiff is that he can deliver great mike work. But now we learn that he cant even do THAT!!!
THEN WHAT GOOD IS HE????!!??????
What a disgrace! I mean, can’t the guy memorize a ONE LINE of dialogue in a one minute TV skit???? What is Kevin Nash, an IDIOT???!???
This is RUSSO we are talking about here- NOT a three and a half-hour SHAKESPEARE TRAGEDY!!!!
Kevin, I have a career tip for you- MNEMONICS. Improve your memory power. You can get it off TV for $19.95.
God forbid Nash was invited to be on the live Drew Carey Show. Imagine how much an even WORSE disaster THAT would have been!!!
XXXX
I can’t believe that some dope actually posted how insulted they were that Dustin Rhodes came to the ring Monday night in an aerial entrance, and how disgraceful that was in light of the death of Owen Hart.
OK here’s a lesson in physics for you, Einstein: Owen fell NINETY F’N FEET TO HIS DEATH IN KANSAS CITY. DUSTIN FLEW FROM WHAT LOOKED LIKE TO BE FIFTEEN FEET.
NINETY IS SIX TIMES HIGHER THAN FIFTEEN.
THEREFORE IT IS SIX TIMES MORE DANGEROUS TO DO A STUNT FROM NINETY FEET ABOVE THE GROUND THAN FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!!
Thank God for Newton to point out that important concept to us 500 years ago- GRAVITY.
I mean, the Chris Benoit headbutt off the steel cage was more dangerous!
What is the worst that would have happened to Rhodes if there was a mishap- a twisted ankle? WHIPLASH???!??
Cut me a break!!!
XXXX
On a semi-related topic, I am doing a 180 degree turn-around on the Paul Von Erich cancer angle! I mean the WWF has taken the program to such a sick and depraved level with the Smackdown funeral angle that I actually now have to just laugh at how ridiculous the Von Erich-Bossman feud has become!
I mean come on, the Big Bossman pulling Von’s fathers casket with his car with Von riding on top of it???! I’m sorry, but I actually sat back and laughed at it!!!
I guess what I am saying is now that the WWF has crossed the line, they may as WELL take it all the way. If the WWF is determined to NOT back off of the most tasteless promotional tactic in recent wrestling history, they may as well do it right!
That said, I still can’t wait to see what they do with the DX rape angle! Oh that’s right . . . ..
XXXX
Like I said last week, it is very, VEEEERRRRY hard to get over in this column. But this week I will give my props to Amazon.com.
You see very reluctantly I placed an order for Mick Foley’s new book at the low LOW price of 12.50 (+4.00 S&H) By the way, thanks to Bob Magee for alerting me to this offer!
This Wednesday, three days later, guess what was in my mailbox?
Good job Amazon.com. And thanks to Bob for saving me 9 bones.
Hopefully, if I can get enough free time I’ll have the book read and give you a REAL review in a few weeks. I know, I know you’ve already read the book or 88 reviews on it so far. But then if you say that you are forgetting one very important point:
It only matters what I SAY!!!!!!!
XXXX
I have two classic one-liners to share with you this week, and both were brought to my attention by letters in the 11/8 Wrestling Observer Newsletter Reader’s Pages (sorry, Fritz- www.powerbomb.com . . . . .www.powerbomb.com . . . .!!!!!).
The first concerns a letter from Steve Yohe regarding a quote from the Los Angeles times way back in 1934. The article concerns LA promoter Lou Daro who went around trying to claim that he drew 38,756 fans to a 1934 Jim Londos vs Man Mountain Dean match that in reality drew only 23,565.
Here is the quote from the LA Times, and trust me this is an all-time classic:
“… when Lou Daro gets excited, his eyes get twice their normal size, AND THEN HE STARTS SEEING DOUBLE.”
OUCH!!!!!
Talk about piling on a guy! Thanks to Steve Yohe for digging up that quote.
As a matter of fact, Steve thanks for ruining my writing career. I may as well take my laptop and throw it over a cliff.
See, no matter how long I write, no matter how hard I try, I will never, EVER come up with a rip as good as that one!!!!! “Starts seeing double!!!”
That is just great.
Quote number 2 comes form Mister Congenialty himself, NWA promoter Dennis Corraluzzo.
Apparently there were some irate fans at the Oct 3 Eddie Gilbert Memorial Show who were not buying Dennis’ explanation that WWF wrestlers Prince Albert, Droz and the Mean Street Posse no-showed because they were at a charity softball game.
Before I continue, in Dennis’ defense, I’ve been given two stories: 1- The WWF was pissed because Dennis advertised these names without checking with the WWF, so they pulled them off the show; 2- The WWF arbitrarily cancelled all indie show bookings in October. Anyway forget about all this. I’m ruining a great story.
Near the end of the show Dennis got on the stick when some fan in the front row started heckling Dennis asking “Where’s my $10 Dennis? You stole my $10!”
Now first of all, allow me to point out what a HUGE mistake it is to start catcalling Dennis Coraluzzo when you are a ringside fan and dude has the stick. You will get run. No great orator, nonetheless in his own way Dennis will humiliate you, insult you, insult your mother, and have you in tears by the end of the night.
As you try to get a word in edgewise, Dennis will totally punk your ASS like a prison bitch on the mike, pointing out to the crowd how stupid you are.
As a matter of fact, imagine the worse beating you ever got as a kid in a playground fight.
Getting verbally blown to bits by Dennis Corraluzzo is 15 TIMES WORSE.
You do NOT want to F’ with Dennis.
The Gilbert show was no different. Dennis response to the fan asking for his refund?
“SHUT UP. I’ll comp you for next year’s convention.”
That is an ALL-TIME CLASSIC!!!! “Shut up. Ill comp you for next years convention!” That is HILARIOUS!!! COME ON NOW. You gotta love Dennis.
One thing about the guy, and say what you will about the man, Dennis Coraluzzo IS NOT boring.
That’s not the only five-star zinger I heard come out of Dennis' pie-hole. I remember going to a Q&A at the Second Eddie Gilbert Memorial Brawl with Jim Cornette, Dory Funk, Dan Severn and Tommy Gilbert, and noticed several fans videotaping the event.
Now, any other namby-pamby sissy boy promoter would have gone up these pirates right from the get-go and told them in no uncertain terms to kindly stop filming. Not Dennis.
Dennis patiently waited until the event was over and let these guys tape the whole event.
After it was over, before everyone left, Dennis informed the tapers that he noticed what they were doing, and if ANY of them tried to sell the tape of the Q&A, he would “STALK THEM” FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!!!!
That was GREAT TOO!!!! I LOVE DENNIS CORRALUZZO!!!
Believe me when I say that I can guarna f’n tee you that if there are ANY tapes of the Gilbert Q&A on the market out there, Dennis is getting a cut. I mean, are you going to mess with a dude that just threatened to STALK YOU in front of a crowded room?????!!!
You see Dennis Coraluzzo belongs back in the 1930s, not the 1990s. I am fullly convinced that if Dennis were promoting back then, he would have run Toots Mondt, Tom Packs AND Lou Daro out of business in a year.
I actually DO mean that as a compliment, too.
I will tell you this though- I do NOT want to be in Dennis’ shoes at the Fifth Memorial Brawl when all these wrestling fans wearing ECW shirts come up to him for their free comps! What a scene that will be!!!!
XXXX
Uh, OK let us hop across the Delaware River for an interesting little story that I find questionable at the very least.
As all of you know by now, Tammy Sytch passed out backstage at the ECW Arena 10/23. The official explanation given by Paul Heyman was that Tammy- get this – DRANK SOMEONE DESIGNER DRUG GHB LACED PEPSI!!!!
Oh, OOOOkay there Paul, I believe THAT one.
Let us look closely at THAT fish story, SHALL WE????
First of all, Paul, WHY DO YOU HAVE WRESTLERS DROPPING DANGEROUS DRUGS INTO THEIR SOFT DRINKS BACKSTAGE????!!!????
If your story IS true, which I obviously feel that it is NOT, then by your own admission you have a DRUG PROBLEM with someone in your dressing room!!!
Second, why in the HELL would Tammy Sytch drink some dudes backwash??@!!!??? I mean, she was SO thirsty she had to drink someone ELSE’S SODA??!!! I don’t buy that one either.
Third, let’s say someone DID intentionally poison the drink (and this third point is hypothetical on my part- Paul is NOT insinuating this).
Great. Not only do you have a DRUG problem in your dressing room, but you also have an ATTEMPTED MURDER!!!!
FOURTH- of all the people, ALLLLLLL THE PEOPLE to “accidentally” drink a drug laced soft drink it would be- not clean and sober Taz . . .no not Chris Chetti either . .. but TAMMY FRIGGIN’ SYTCH.
I, mean, golly gee willikers, it seems like the poor girl just CANNOT have any luck, CAN SHE?????
Please Paul, do me a favor. Do NOT try to cover up someone’s life threatening problems with such a friggin’ STUPID AND INSULTING STORY!!!!
We may be marks, but we can smell bull*!!%! a mile away, and trust me, Paul, this story is in my opinion pure, 100% unadulterated BULL-^$!%&@!!!!!!.
XXXX
More rare props and this time they go to Vince Russo for bitching out Craig Leathers for that PISS POOR production job on the 11/1 Nitro. I mean there were at least FOUR glitches during the show, and having that cameraman on TV yell “cut!” was an absolute horror show!
On top of that even when you consider that the segment was PRE-TAPED and STILL went on live TV, it makes it even MORE of a disgrace.
Craig Leathers is either:
A. Trying to stab Vince Russo in the back by sabotaging the show;
B. Or is incompetent.
Either way, I certainly hope that Russo made it clear in NO uncertain terms that if Craig does NOT sack up and get his collective sh**$#!!! together, HE WILL BE OUT ON HIS ASS!!!!!!
XXXX
Mailbomb of the week:
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 01:30:27 -0600
From: "JG"
Subject: In regards to your last "ugly truth"
To: theuglytruth@excite.com
I only have two questions for you:
1. Is being a wrestling fan really embarrassing?
You state that you don't want to be embarrassed by asking for Mick
Foley's new book? If you are embarrassed to be a fan, then why the hell
do you even bother writing about wrestling? I know you can't be getting
paid for the things you write.
2. If someone lives in Arkansas, does it automatically make them white
trash?
As a resident of the state, I can tell you that there are some
people that meet that nice little stereotype, but not enough to still
give the entire state the stereotype of being white trash, wife beating,
inbred, rednecks.
I know you probably don't really mean to offend anyone by your comments
(or maybe you do, what the hell do I know?), but maybe you should think
a little more before writing something. I'm not going to say you suck
or crap like that because of this because I do enjoy your articles and
more than likely will in the future.
I know stereotypes are a part of american society, but do you need to
take those stereotypes to such extremes to get your point across?
(I know it turned out to be more then two questions, but so what?)
Good job, JG, thanks for the email and congratulations on being this week’s winner.
By the way I got another real good email about how Road Dogg has mouths to feed and does a lot of charity work that would have been a contender, but it had way too many grammatical errors.
Sorry, smarks. Too many misspellings, and you WILL get run. Only I am allowed to mispell words in this column!!!!!
DAN MORELAND
"WRESTLING'S MOST BELOVED JOURNALIST"
PWBTS 2000
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland
