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BOOK REVIEW:
“HAVE A NICE DAY”
Hardcover - 544 pages
Regan Books
Here is my review of Mick Foley’s best selling book:
There is no review.
-Dan Moreland 11/4/99
There’s my review. Hope you enjoyed it. See, there is one problem with me doing a review of Mankind book.
I have not read it.
I want to buy Mankind’s book. It is on the New York Times Best Seller List.
Supposedly.
SO WHY CAN’T I FIND THE GOD##!!&& THING ANYWHERE?????
What is this, a book or an f’n EASTER EGG HUNT???!!!??????
I am beginning to wonder if the book actually EXISTS.
After visiting four bookstores, this supposed bestseller is not available ANYWHERE!
I finally mustered the courage to ask a sales clerk at Barnes and Noble if they had a copy, and she told me it was a special order because they cannot keep enough in stock yet.
OK so it's a bestseller.
The word “courage” is used here because I can just imagine the numbnuts that this obviously educated college student must have had to put up with over the past two weeks.
Wrestling fans.
Wrestling fans who have never read a book in their life, but now suddenly are storming Barnes & Noble or Borders with their black Stone Cold tee-shirts pestering some poor girl that still thinks Mankind is a Darwinian Term from Biology 201.
Here’s how the conversation probably went:
PRETTY YOUNG BARNES AND NOBLE STORE CLERK DRESSED ALL IN BLACK WEARING THOSE CUTE GRANNY GLASSES: Welcome to Barnes and Noble. Did you find everything you were looking for?
SCARY LOOKING 6’5” WRESTLING FAN WEARING A BLACK BRAHMA BULL TEE-SHIRT ACCOMPANIED BY GOTH GIRLFREIND:
Well, no. I wuz wonderin’ if you had dat new book by Mankind?
CLERK: WHO?
FAN: You know. Mankind? From the WWF?
CLERK: Is that a philosopher?
FAN: NO!!! Mankind!! Don’t you know who Mankind is? From da WWF???? What are you, fucking STUPID???!!?????
CLERK: Excuse me for one second while I find out, SIR. (Leaves cash register)
GOTH GIRLFREIND (after clerk leaves): WHAT A FUCKING BITCH SHE IS.
FAN: You know, if dey don’t have dis book, I’m gonna LAY DA SMACKDOWN ON THIS STORES CANDY ASS!!!!
CLERK: (Returning). I’m sorry sir, but that book is being ordered right now. Would you like to reserve a copy?
FAN: WHAT???? IT’S BECAUSE IT’S A WRESTLER AINT IT!!!! (While storming out of store) IF DAT BOOK WERE WRITTEN BY A SCIENTIST OR ONE OF YOUR FAGGOT MYSTERY WRITERS, YOU'D HAVE IT ALL OVER DAH PLACE!!!! ECW! ECW!!!EEEE-CCCCC-WWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOTH GIRLFREIND: Snotty Bitch.
CLERK: Whatever. WHO’S NEXT????
Remember when Howard Stern’s book came out and you couldn’t get THAT anywhere either? I went into one bookstore one day where I saw this one dude was bugging the clerk about when the book was coming out. One glance at this rocket scientist, and you could tell he wasn’t spending HIS Saturdays at the public library either.
Maybe it was that he had no teeth.
Or the dirty tee-shirt from the local Irish Pub.
But for me the real clincher was that dapper looking off-red now part black Marlboro baseball cap.
Dude had never picked up a book in his adult life, and now here he was all the sudden an intellectual in Waldenbooks! The first book he’s ever read since dropping out of 10th grade is going to be about Howard Stern jerking off during an AOL chat.
Intellectualism at it’s highest..
Anywhoo, I digress. I really DO want to read Mick Foley’s book since everyone tells me it is such a great read.
SOOOOO if there is ANYONE that knows where I can WALK into a bookstore in Eastern Pennsylvania, plunk down a twenty, and pick up a copy, I’d appreciate it.
Save your emails about how I can get it off Amazon.com or special order it. I do NOT want to do that (you don’t want me to get into Amazon.com).
I just want to walk into a goddammned Books-A-Million, not embarrass myself to the pretty young salesclerk and every other bookworm geekoid within earshot by letting on that I am a wrestling fan, and buy the DAMN BOOK, and GET OUT!!!! Enough already!
By the way, if you also know a store where I can get a Groucho Marx mask, I’d appreciate that too.
XXXX
As reported on this and other websites, Road Dogg Jesse James has met with Jim Ross and got an explanation as to why his best friend Jeff Jarrett is no longer with the WWF. After the meeting, he is now satisfied and no longer has a beef with WWF officials.
Well, THANK GOD that we can FINALLY sleep tonight!
Gee, I was REALLY worried that the Masked Chronic- er lets make that Road Dogg Jesse James’ little feelings were getting hurt!!
MEMO TO RAOD DOGG JESSE JAMES:
STOP BEING A DOPE SMOKING DOPE. YOU ARE BECOMING A LOCKER ROOM CANCER. AT LEAST ONE TIME YOU HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED BY THE WWF FOR SUBSTANCE ABUSE VIOLATIONS IN THE PAST FEW YEARS.
Allegedly.
YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE A JOB!
I mean, just who the HELL is Road Dogg Jesse James, ANYWAY???? And why does Jim Ross have to cater to this idiot and have a MEETING with him?????
But it gets worse. In September dude bitch slapped Chris Jericho in the ring for being too stiff! CHRIS JERICHO!!!
Let’s see Road Dogg, how many 4 star matches have YOU had in your career???? THREE???????
I do believe Chris Jericho has had JUST a few more, and is the LAST person some ROAD DOGG needs to be teaching a lesson to about workrate!!
Road Dogg: shut your flycatcher and be grateful that the WWF doesn’t ship off YOUR ass to Atlanta ALONG with your best friend!
Look, I appreciate Road Dogg is trying to stick up for his buddy, but look where that got the Insane Clown Posse in WCW after standing up for Vampiro!
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!
XXXX
I hate to bust other websites since I think that is a waste of time and besides, the most important thing in my life is what I SAY.
If a website wants to post news as a front for a promotion that they are in bed with, well let’s just say that there are already plenty of writers at PWBTS to deal with that without me sticking MY beak in their business.
THAT SAID . . when a website tries to perpetrate a FRAUD that is such a blatant and reprehensible attempt to get desperation hits, even yours truly MUST STEP IN!!!
Canadian wrestling website SLAM! is posting that there will be a pay-per-view extravaganza featuring WWF, WCW and ECW wrestlers next year.
Say WHAT?
Just so you know I am not making this up, here is the direct disgusting and disgraceful quote from SLAM!:
“Take this for what you will BUT...there is talk of a historic pay-per-view being planned for the year 2000 in which all three federations would battle against each other on one show. WWF versus WCW versus ECW? We'll believe it when we see it.”
Take it for what I will? OK, SLAM!, here is how I take it:
I TAKE THIS FOR A BUNCH OF UNBELIEVABLE BULL##!!!&&!%!
Oh, OOOOOOOkay, there, SLAM! I’m SUUUUUUUURE you got THAT one from a reliable source!
I love how these conniving canucks try to cover their tracks by saying . . .”Take this for what you will” or “We’ll believe it when we see it.”
Look, SLAM I can understand a website getting duped by an internet rumor.
And it is despicable enough that you PC pinheads float a baseless rumor just to get hits. . . . BUT AT LEAST MAKE IT A BELIEVABLE RUMOR!!!
Yeah, I’m sure Vince McMahon, who is wiping the planet with WCW and had a failed angle with ECW three years ago, is just working OVERTIME to put on a show with Bill Busch and Paul Heyman. I see THAT in his future. Right.
A lot of wrestling fans are marks. But even people that e-mail me asking if Kane’s voice box is real aren’t THAT STUPID!
I have an internet rumor for you, SLAM:
If Vince McMahon, Ted Turner and Paul Heyman EVER put on a joint pay-per-view with the WWF, WCW and ECW, I will DONATE $1000 to a favorite charity of your choice!!!!!!
What really disappoints me is that SLAM! actually does very professional job with the presentation of their website, and features great photos.
This little news tidbit was certainly NOT very professional.
The funny thing is, these are the same internet nitwits that emailed me and Fritz Capp this summer demanding we take down a post containing news from their website.
Don’t worry SLAM. If this is the type of garbage that you post as “news”, we won’t be posting ANYTHING from you losers anytime soon!!!
XXXX
Speaking of misinformation, here’s a whopper. On an MSNBC documentary about Vince McMahon, wrestling “historian” Bert Suger explained that McMahon was able to run smaller territories out of business in the early 1980s by presenting established superstars like Antonino Rocca.
For you younger readers out there, I’ll explain the problem with this statement.
First of all, Sugar IS right in that Rocca was established in 1984.
ESTABLISHED SIX FEET UNDER THE GROUND, THAT IS!!!!!!!!!
You see, Dude has been dead for around THIRTY years, yet here is this horse’s ass telling MSNBC that Vince McMahon booked him in 1984!!! Hilariuous!!!!!!
I’d love to sit down and interview Sugar right now. Why I’d bet with a straight face he’d tell me that it was the signing of Gino Hernandez and Rick McGraw to Nitro in 1995 that sparked the Monday Night Wars.
He might also let you know that Louie Spicolli and Rick Rude are current ECW tag team champions!!!
I’m glad we have the Bert Sugars of the world to keep us to date on wrestling history. I was always happening what ever happened to Georges Hackenschmidt. Last I heard he was retired and living in a trailer park in Florida next to Ed “Strangler” Lewis.
Someone please email Bert and ask him what Joe Stecher is doing now that HE is retired from wrestling???? Rumor is it he is running a body shop in Orlando with the Duseks!!
Nice job with your careful analysis of history there, Bert. Maybe SLAM needs a new writer.
And good job to MSNBC for their careful checking on the facts.
XXXX
Back to wrestling fans.
I 100% agree with Phil Mushnick for ripping Ted Turner for sinking to Vince McMahon’s level by hiring Vince Russo. Agree or disagree with the guy or his motivations, at least Mushnick is consistent with his bashing of wrestling.
And do me a favor. After you email me a store that carries Foley’s book, do NOT email Phil Mushnick letting him know how much you hate him for ripping pro wrestling.
While not everyone agrees with Phil Mushnick, dude DOES have more brains and knowledge of pro wrestling than 90% of you out there. It is just that whenever someone points out something that is NOT very pleasant in this business, many of you wrestling fans just can’t accept the truth!!!!!!
Bully to you, Phil, and keep up the good work!!
Now how about getting on your newspaper for selling porn ads?
XXXX
As most of you know by now, Wal-Mart will not be selling the Al Snow action figure because a spokesman has stated that the depiction of him carrying a woman’s head is promoting violence towards women.
HUH?????
Would someone please fly down to Arkansas and tell these hillbilly redneck billionaires that Al Snow is carrying the head of a MANNEQUIN??!!!????
Here’s MY other issue with this statement by Wal-Mart:
DOESN’T WAL-MART SELL DEADLY FIREARMS? AND DOES WAL-MART NOT SELL CLOTHING MANUFACTURED USING CHEAP THIRD WORLD CHILD LABOR?????
That’s real nice, Wal-Mart.
Let’s review a shopping trip to Wal-Mart, shall we?
Mr. and Mrs. White Trash go to Wal-Mart.
Mr. White Trash, needing new work pants, buys a pair of those slick navy blue Dickies, on sale for only $13.97.
Mrs. White Trash, needing new shoes, spots a great bargain on Dr. Scholl’s white sneakers, at a nice low Wal-mart Rollback sale of only SEVEN BUSCK!
Then Dad, just to shut up his whining buck toothed crew cut kid, buys him a Sting watch on clearance for ONLY $6.96.
Dad then goes to the Sporting Goods department, where he spends his paycheck on a nice new high-powered deer rifle with a scope.
He then runs back to the men’s department to get a new hunting flannel. It was made in Honduras by six year old children in a sweat shop, but hey SCREW those little brown bastards as long as he can save 3 bucks!!!!!!
The White Trashes then check out. Imagine Mr. White Trash’s delight as he spots a Rand McNally Road Atlas, normally $13.00 at the local Pilot, for a low, low four dollars and ninety seven cents on a cash register display.
To celebrate his good fortune Mr. White Trash then buys his wife and stupid kid 25 cent Sam’s Choice Colas, and they load their purchases into his Dodge Ram pick up truck.
Mrs. White Trash pulls the Road Atlas out to look at it and all the staples promptly fall out. Mr. While Trash yells and beats his wife in a drunken rage, and the pick-up swerves, spilling Sam’s Choice all over their new clothes, the dye in the soda discoloring them permanently.
In the adjoining lane, driving his Volkswagen Bug, Mr. Middle Class honks his horn at Mr. White Trash, who is still backhanding his fat wife with the kid screaming in the background.
Mr. White Trash responds by running Mr. Middle Class off the road, getting out his Wal-Mart high powered rifle, loading it with his Wal-Mart bullets (on sale for .79 a piece) and proceeds to blow off nuggets into Mr. Middle Class, killing him instantly.
But the Al Snow doll promotes violence.
XXXX
Oh by the way, speaking of which, would someone please inform Vince Russo that KIDNAPPING IS A FEDERAL CRIME????
I mean think about it. If the Revolution really DID kidnap Torrie Wilson, they would have held her against her will for SEVEN DAYS!!!!! Shane Douglas, Dean Malenko and Saturn would be in maximum-security prison for the next fifty years!
Look, I know wrestling is NOT supposed to be real. But at least make it HALF realistic!
Sorry, that’s all I had for that take. No good jokes here.
XXXX
You know, I don’t give out props too often in this column, but if there is ONE WAY to get over here at the Truth, ACT LIKE A MAN.
Here’s an example of dudes that SACKED UP and showed what they are made of, thus getting due accolades in this column:
VAMPIRO- for getting the bejeezus beat out of him by Rick Steiner on Nitro then thanking the booking committee for giving him a shot.
THE BIG BOSSMAN- wrestled Al Snow in that awful Rottweiller steel cage match after getting glass in his eye- all so he could participate in the worst match of the year!
FRITZ CAPP- for refusing to censor PWBTS columns written by me after getting threats by promoters!
The newest member of this gallery of testosterone and manhood is . . .
IWA JAPAN PRESIDENT KIYUSHI ASANO.
A few weeks ago, while practicing how to blow a fireball, dude SWALLOWED KEROSENE AND HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED.
NOW, I’m sure the hospital pumped his stomach or gave him some medication or something, BUT . . . .
1. I would never, EVER put kerosene in my mouth- ESPECIALLY after that horrible experience!
2. Out of fear that my digestive system might still be lined with remnants of this flammable fuel, I would NEVER even go NEAR a lighter, let alone BLOW AN F’N FIREBALL OUT OF MY PIE-HOLE!!!!
But unlike myself, Kiyushi Asano is a REAL MAN and THREE DAYS LATER BLEW A FIREBALL AT MR. POGO IN A MATCH WITH TIGER JEET-SINGH!!!
Not only is dude nails, HE’S NUTS!!!!
Wow. We were one second away from the very first ever case of spontaneous human combustion in the ring!!! Next to this guy, Onita is a sissy-boy who plays with his sister's dollies!
Just think, Kiyushi- if you accidentally burst after blowing that flame, you’d be able to get a second career-
as a KEROSENE HEATER!
For his courage and stupidi- er bravery, we commend Kiyushi and honor him as a TRUE MANLY MAN.
Asano-san, just do us ONE big favor.
NO-MORE-FIREBALLS.
Thank you.
XXXX
Here’s a brand new feature to the Ugly Truth-
THE MAILBOMB OF THE WEEK!!!!
This is in response to me suspending Moreland’s Mailbombs until early 2000 while I help Dr. Kareem Oweet put up his Top 100 Wrestlers of All time list.
If you want to win Mailbomb of the Week, you do NOT have to agree with me. Your email simply has to follow three rules, which are the same rules as the OLD Moreland’s Mailbombs:
1. It must be SHORT;
2. It must be TO THE POINT;
AND THE CARDINAL RULE OF MORELAND’S MAILBOMBS . . .
3. IT MUST NOT SUCK!!!!!
And as long as it is better than all the OTHER emails I get, I’ll post it on this column!
We have one nominee for this week . . and thus here is your winner!!!
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999 22:24:34 EDT
From: "Yuji Imada"
Subject: You rule!!
To: theuglytruth@excite.com
...is what you would want me to say. This is why people like you will never
get legitimacy in this business. You claim to be a journalist yet all you
post are your views. No solid sources, no research behind what you say.
Perfect example would be your bashing of Antonio Inoki. Now I'm not a big
Inoki fan either but all you do is make yourself look very ignorant. For
example when you mention that he is a "disgrace to the JPN culture"...I
guess that's why he still holds the record for attendance at the Tokyo Dome
(for any event, not just wrestling) for his retirement match. Hmm...
Also where you talk about the politics of North Korea. If you had done some
simple research you would have known that both Japan and the US are courting
N.Korea for a non-violent solution to the military tension there.
This is why you will remain in your internet hole, a hole that people like
yourself and other "internet wannabe journalists" hold in such high regard.
Yes people see it but the majority do not live by it, sorry but that is just
the case, not everyone can afford a pc. Get over it.
Don't even try and debate me, this isn't my point of writing the e-mail.
Thanks, Yuji.
I think.
See? I told you that you need not agree with me.
Just rip my heart out and stomp on it why don’t you. Geeez.
Anyway, get me those emails!!!! Email: theuglytruth@excite.com.
That’s it for this week, smarks. We’ll be back out of our internet hole next week with ANOTHER . . . .UGLY TRUTH!!!!
DAN MORELAND
“WRESTLING’S MOST BELOVED JOURNALIST”
PWBTS 2000 NEWSBOARD
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland
