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If you’ll recall a few weeks ago I complained about internet reporters claiming that 600 pound plus former WWF champion Yokozuna was going to be returning to the WWF or WCW sometime soon, even though the guy is banned in over 19 states due to health reasons.
Well, this time I cannot blame the internet reporters; this week I’m blaming Yokozuna himself!
You see, now this behemoth is telling anyone that he thinks is stupid enough to believe him that not only is he returning to the WWF, but get this- that he will be in the main event of WrestleMania versus Steve Austin!
SUUUUUURE you’re going to be in the main event of WrestleMania against Steve Austin, Yoko.
I’m sure the WWF booking committee already plans in the works as to how they will be pushing aside the Rock, HHH, Mankind, Chris Jericho and even the Big Show or Undertaker so that they can give a GREAT athlete like you the top payoff spot in the WWF! This explains all the plot turns and twists between these wrestlers- it’s all so they can bring YOUR big fat ass back!
I HAVE a BETTER booking plan for you, Yokozuna, and it goes something like this:
You shut your big, fat liver-lipped pie-hole. Then, you enroll into a FAT FARM, and trim down from 600 to a lean, mean 400 pounds.
Then, and ONLY then, MIGHT the WWF or WCW CONSIDER you for a short-term payoff role in one of their organizations.
I mean, the WWF is the same promotion that ran a great worker like VADER for not getting it together with his weight; what makes ANYONE think they even are CONSIDERING using this SLOB???
I’m sure Mark Henry, who worked his ASS off all summer to get his weight down, will really appreciate it when he looks up from lacing his boots and sees THIS blubbery bozo waddle into the dressing room!
And this to all you chubble-bubbles reading this that are upset now that you think I am insulting fat people.
Look, I hate to make fun of Yokozuna for his weight. He obviously has either a serious health or willpower problem that keeps him heavy. But whenever this guy opens his trap and starts spewing pablum like this, SOMEONE has to stand up and get everyone back to reality!!!
The other guy that I really feel sorry for is the mark that Yokozuna keeps telling this stuff to. I mean, how stupid and gullible must Yoko think this guy is that he tells him this crap with a straight face?
I remember a few years ago when an indie worker looked me in the eye and told me he was going to the WWF when I knew for a fact that there was no way. I knew what the guy was trying to do, he was working me, but still I felt he was insulting my intelligence by trying to pass on this BS. I kind of felt bad that he would think I was such a mark.
Fortunately, thanks to my tremendous ego, I got over it real quick.
XXXX
This is to all those who trashed the Heroes of Wrestling PPV two weeks ago:
WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING??!!!??
I mean these guys were 90 f’n years old! Did you actually think you were going to see space flying tiger drops and running power bombs by the BUSHWACKERS???!!!????
But you have to admit that the real star of the show was Jake Roberts. Anyone watching HAD to have felt they were getting their money's worth watching this former superstar stagger around the ring in a drunken stupor trying to be a wrestler.
Here was the Snake once again- at his very best.
He logs in overtime promoting the event, telling everyone that this is his last chance to prove he is not a drunk and belongs back in the business. It is all good, and Jake is getting over bigtime with everyone in the industry.
This is the NEW Jake, and once and for all, he FINALLY has got his act together.
Then what does he do right before his big main event match on pay-per-view?
He sits in the dressing room and gets plastered!!!!!
You gotta love it. Never a dull moment with Jake Roberts.
I have to hand it to the Snake- he might just be the biggest meltdown artist in the history of the business.
You know what I mean by a meltdown artist- an athlete or entertainer who has supposedly put all their problems behind them. They do all the right things- they turn born-again Christian; they give interviews saying they changes; they get a another break in the business and show a great attitude.
Then, in one fell swoop, they bring it all crashing down!
Probably the best two other examples of this phenomenon in the business are Sid Vicious and Buddy Landell. And if Scott Hall, Chris Candido and Tammy Sytch don’t get their collective programs permanently together, they will become meltdown cases as well!
The whole Jake Roberts story really is sad.
To be honest, I’m one of those who used to believe that you could cure yourself of an alcohol or drug addiction through willpower alone. I had very little compassion or empathy for addicts.
But this latest breakdown by Jake Robert has made me reconsider.
I mean think about it: here is a guy who readily admits he has a chemical dependency problem, has tried over and over to lick it, and no matter how much it is destroying his life, he cannot and I think never will lick it!
Here is a guy that ANYONE in the business would give one more chance even at his advanced age- but Jake is so addicted to alcohol that he would rather have that then success.
Simply put, Jake Roberts has allowed a chemical to take over his mind and body, and there is not a damn thing the guy can do about it.
What a mess.
That is really sad.
And scary too.
I’ll say this- after Jake’s performance at Heroes of Wrestling, I’ll think twice about having that extra beer on Saturday night!
XXXX
Here is this week’s addition of “Whatever Happened to . . ?”- UH- I mean “Wrestlers Released by WCW That I Bet You Didn’t Even Know Were Under Contract!!!”
This week’s featured star is the former Genius of the World Wrestling Federation, “Leaping “ Lanny Poffo.
Poffo was reportedly being paid $200,000 a year, mostly as a favor to his brother, “Macho Man” Randy Savage.
Not only did Poffo wrestle only a handful of times for the company, but wait until you hear this story:
Poffo was backstage at a show in Florida, and the card was shorthanded. Figuring that Poffo would be grateful to be making 200,000 bones to basically sit around and pick his pud, WCW officials asked him if he wouldn’t mind trying his hand at actually wrestling a match.
Lanny Poffo REFUSED- saying, and get this- HE DIDN’T BRING HIS GEAR!!!!!
That is UNBELIEVABLE. What an f’n ingrate!
I don’t know about you, but THAT kind of money, I would actually consider wrestling in my JOCKSTRAP!!!
Lanny Poffo has got to be the worst example of work ethic in wrestling history.
But you know what would be even funnier? If when asked to get in the ring, Poffo had a flashback, and thought he was STILL the “Poet Laureate” of the World Wrestling Federation, the Genius. The conversation would go something like this:
ROAD AGENT: (to Lanny, sitting in the locker room playing cards with Lash Laroux) Hey Lanny, look we need some help.
Sting, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Ric Flair and Lex Luger all no-showed tonights card, and Bischoff accidentally re-routed Bill Goldberg’s charter plane to Salt Lake City. Would you mind working the main event in a short, easy match against Evan Karagis so the fans don’t riot?
LANNY:
“I DO UNDERSTAND Im being paid $200,000 a year
and I realize that price to WCW is very very dear.
But as you can see I am relaxing back here,
Kicking back, playing cards and having a beer.
Sorry, but I did not bring my wrestling gear.
You will NOT get match from me, I certainly do fear!”
Or how about this one?
LANNY:
“You sign me a big contract that brings me wealth.
Yet I am never used- I have been put on a shelf.
Now Im supposed to work sans my gear and risk my heath?
Hey WCW- WHY DON’T YOU GO F**#!! YOURSELF??????!!!!
Or wait! I have nother one!
LANNY:
“There was a ring rat from Nantucket . . .”
OK I’ll stop.
XXXX
Here's a quote form new WCW writer Vince Russo from an internet chat with Ben Miller of WrestleLine:
"You will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever see the Japanese or the Mexican wrestlers over in the mainstream wrestling.
"And the simple reason for that, and I don't want to sound like a big bigot or a racist or anything like that, but I'm an American. If I'm watching wrestling here in America, I don't give a shit about a Japanese guy. I don't give a shit about an American guy. I'm from America, and that's what I want to see."
Not so fast there, Vinnie. Speak for yourself bud.
Actually if you would bother to check your facts there were many MANY Mexican and Japanese wrestlers that WERE over in America.
Well, let me correct myself.
There WAS until jokers like you came out of the woodwork and began booking Kaientai getting squashed by Kurrgan and the Giant Silva.
Vinnie, have you ever heard of . . . . let's see. . . MIL MASCARAS? Yeah he wasn't over. He was only one of the biggest stars in the US in the 70s!
How about the Giant Baba and Antonio Inoki? No one cared about them either, I'm sure.
I remember Great Muta turning heads in WCW in 1989. And Tiger Mask in the WWF in the early 80s.
Let's not forget how over Matsato Tanaka and Tajiri are in ECW. Or how much the fans there appreciated those incredible talents of Super Crazy and Antifaz del Norte!
Actually, you are right about one thing, there Vinnie. American fans today DO NOT care about Japanese or Mexican wrestlers. That's because goofs like you and Eric Bischoff have mis-booked them to the point that American fans are trained to believe they are unimportant jobbers!
That's kind of sad since for most of the 90s, it has been the Mexican luchadores and the Japanese imports that have BLOWN AWAY your beloved Americans in the ring!!!
By the way, and I don't want to this to be implied that I think Russo IS racist.
But have you ever noticed that when a white guy prefaces a comment by saying "I'm not a racist or anything" or "Some of my best friends are black, Puerto Rican or whatever"?
Usually that statement is then followed by the word "BUT . . ." then it is followed by a . . .
RACIST STATEMENT??????
"You know ahm not racist or anything, but those goddammned (insert offensive racial slur here) are running down the goddamned neighborhood!!!"
"Now don't get me wrong, Jethro, some of mah best friends are (insert despicable racist slur here), but mah problem is with dem WELFARE CHEATIN' CRACK ADDICTED MINORITES!"
Russo might be borderline racist, though I do not think he means to be. He tried to cover it up by saying "American" but what he really means is "White".
The flaw in his thinking is that American fans DO cheer for Canadian wrestlers- even if they are NOT American!
But unlike Canadians, Japanese and Mexicans don't look like us "regular people", so we shouldn't root for them, should we?
XXXX
Now, I'm not racist or anything . . . BUT . . .
I'm getting reports that Pcicosis is impressing everyone with his command of the English language backstage.
WELL, IT IS ABOUT TIME!!! I mean how long has this guy been in the U.S., FIVE YEARS???? Dude has been picking up a paycheck all that time, and NOW he's just getting the hang of our language???
Golly gee whiz, why don't we just give the guy a Medal of Honor?????
Meanwhile Juventud Guerrera will NOT be getting mistaken for Charles Berlitz anytime soon. Apparently Juvi keeps making some pretty funny foupas on the mike during his promos due to his poor command of the Queen's English.
That IS understandable, since Juvi has only been in the US for FOUR freaking years!
MEMO TO MEXICAN LUCHADORES:
ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LEARN IT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN HERE FOR HALF OF YOUR CAREER!
What an embarrassment.
Maybe this explains why the luchadores have NOT been getting the push they deserve all this time; it must be really hard to complain to upper management when you CAN'T COMPLETE A SENTENCE!!!!! Egads!
XXXX
Here's a good one. Among the many issues between TNN and ECW is that now TNN objects to ECW using Rob Zombie and Godsmack songs in their promos and ring entrance music!
TNN is insisting that both bands use “Satanic” overtones in their music that would be offensive to their viewers.
This should come as no surprise to anybody. After all this IS the NASHVILLE Network were talking about here. These re the same people that think Chris Gaines is the anti-Christ since he’s Garth Brook's alter ego!
But I blame Paul for this mess. Paul Heyman should have seen this coming when he inked the deal with TNN this summer.
Hey Paul, you didn't hear any Ozzy being played in the background when Dusty Rhodes was doing color for those swamp buggy races, did you?
The more you think about it, maybe TNN is NOT the right network for ECW to be on. After all, this is a network run by Bible-belt trailer park trash hicks programming NASCAR and Roller Derby to other Bible-belt trailer park trash hicks!
Maybe to make TNN happy, Paul needs to have Tommy Dreamer come out in a cowboy hat with Waylon Jennings entrance music to wrestle Steve Corino in a bullrope match.
Have Francine dress like one of those scantily clad chicks on Hee-Haw.
Then, as the finish, have Jack Victory dressed in overalls come out and smash Tommy over the head with a banjo.
Filled with powder and covered with barbed wire, of course.
XXXX
Speaking of Roller Derby . . . Could someone please explain to me the rules of this game??? Is there actually anyone out there that sits and WATCHES Roller Derby??? What a stupid sport. If I can even call it that.
Who wants to see a bunch of dudes and blonde bimbos in stupid helmets and Team Rocket uniforms rolling around on a track?? And what in the hell is a “jam” anyway????
About the only cool thing I remember about Roller Derby was in the early 90s when there was the short lived TV show called Roller Wars. If both teams were tied at the end, each team would pick a skater who would try to throw the other one into a pond full of baby alligators. That was sick.
And you guessed it- the two competitors were called . . . “Gator Skaters”.
But then again how much does a sport suck if the only thing cool aboutare Gator Skaters?
Sorry ROLLER DERBY fans- the days of the LA T-birds and the San Francisco Bay Bombers were over 30 years ago. Roller Derby will NEVER, EVER get over ever again in this country.
Roller Derby always has, and always will, suck.
XXXX
Here is an update on Fight Club- ER the Pocono Mountain Cardinals-Allentown Huskies Midget League Football game that I reported here last week.
As you might remember after the game there was over 100 parents and players engaged in a disgraceful and disgusting melee that saw chairs and helmets fly, and one coach get eight stitches on his dome.
This sickening display was followed by a massive cover-up as no one would talk to the police.
Both teams have been suspended for the rest of the season and must forfeit their games. All parents from both teams have agreed to donate $50 in "fines" to the Special Olympics. And 2 parents have been arrested.
I'm not sure if the Special Olympics donation is such a good idea. Knowing that these losers probably don't have two pennies to rub together in the first place, they now consider that 50 bucks a considerable investment.
Now these freaks might be compelled to attend the next Special Olympics competition in the area, and allow themselves to get out of hand once again!
I can see it now. There is a dead heat finish in the 100-yard wheelchair dash.
White Trash Parent #1, rooting for one racer, cries foul and storms the field, and grabs a crutch form a sideline competitor so that he can attack the Special Olympics official.
White Trash Parent #2 rooting for the other competitor, enraged, grabs a walker and splits White Trash Parent #1's hairpiece with it. A riot ensues. Wheelchairs, crutches, walkers and leg braces go flying all over the place.
The state police show up.
Despite the field being covered with neck braces, respirators and artificial limbs, all the parents deny everything.
As for the two parents arrested in last week’s brawl, there is only one sentence that is good enough for me. Take away their kids and have them sterilized. Sterilize the parents I mean. Well, maybe the kids too since they share the same genetic code.
And ban them ALL the parents from ever watching wrestling again. It is obviously a bad influence on them.
XXXX
I had some very good takes on ECW getting a 3.0 buyrate, Frtiz Von Erich –I mean the Big Show Paul Wight and the Flabulous Moolah and Mae Not-So-Young, but I need to set them aside to take care of some Company business!!!
Now any one that knows me will attest that I do NOT like blowing smoke up ANYBODY'S ass, but for once I will make an exception and conclude this week's Truth by pimping one of my own.
As most of you know by now, there is a King of Internet Reporting Tournament being held. In this tournament, you the reader gets to vote in a head to head elimination poll. Check previous posts on the site for details.
As luck would have it, this week there is an EPIC battle of APOCALYPTIC proportions between PWBTS Editor Fritz Capp and one of his hated archrivals, Dave Scherer from 1wrestling.com. They are going head to head as you read this and polling concludes this Friday.
Now before I say what I'm about to say, let me make it clear that I have NO involvement in the on again, off again brush war between PWBTS and 1wrestling.com. I could care less what Dave Scherer or Bob Ryder or anyone else at 1wrestling.com or any other website does or says.
That fact is I'm so self-centered that I only care about what I SAY.
I also have no beef with Dave Scherer. I think I might have met the guy once, and he seemed to me like a nice enough guy.
That said, since this is OUR site editor against the man who is a driving force of a rival website, I'm going to back THE HOME TEAM!
Therefore to implore ALL OF YOU you to vote for Fritz Capp.
I know what you are thinking. Fritz is my friend, he is my editor, so I'm just giving my boy his props. OK then here is what I'll do.
I am going to give you ACTUAL, LEGITIMATE reasons why Fritz deserves your vote:
1. Fritz has the balls the size of church bells.
Just a few weeks ago, I wrote a column that frankly another PWBTS columnist did not like too much, but even worse provoked a certain wrestling promoter to call Fritz at his house and demand he tear down the post.
A weaker website editor would have backed down from this bully, but Fritz stood his ground and told the promoter to F off.
Not only that but Fritz PUT ME OVER on the newsboard that night!
Whether one agrees or disagrees with what I wrote, you have to admit- that took major, major SACK.
This reminds me of a few years ago when Fritz was working very closely with a Pennsylvania indie promoter. I was brought to one of his TV tapings to review it.
The TV taping sucked, and that is exactly what I wrote in the newsletter.
Not only did Fritz PRINT the review, he walked right up to the 350 pound plus former wrestler/ promoter, and HANDED IT TO HIM!!!!Fritz Capp is nails. Fritz is a real man.
Fritz does not always agree with or endorse what I or others write on this website.
But Fritz will back you up 100% every time.
2. Fritz stands by his convictions.
Fritz started PWBTS as a somewhat pro-ECW newsletter. He was given access to the dressing room and even was allowed to shoot ringside at some ECW shows.
Hell, Fritz was so loyal he even got that infamous ECW tattoo!!
Then Paul Heyman did something to one of his employees that Fritz did not like. Fritz made it clear what his gripe was with ECW IN PRINT.
In doing so, Fritz saw many of his ECW privileges taken away from him. Fritz could have had it all with ECW- any interview he wanted; access to great pictures for his newsletter. But he threw all that away when he it just did not seem right.
Despite threats and personal insults, Fritz continued to print what in his eyes what was going wrong in that promotion at the time.
Again whether you agree or disagree with Fritz's point of view on ECW, you have to admire his guts!
3. Fritz is 100% dedicated to PWBTS 2000.
Fritz has a wife, a kid and a full time job. Yet somehow he puts in the long, boring hours that is required to run a successful website. I estimate that I put in 15-20 hours a week just to write 4-5 columns a week.
Imagine what it takes to run PWBTS!
4. Fritz makes sure that all my contract requirements for the "Layin' the Smackdown" are met!
According to my contract with WORAN, there must be:
1. Two refrigerated bottles of water handy in the studio;
2. A blue ink medium point Cross pen on the left hand side of the desk when I sit to do my broadcast;
3. and my seat must be thoroughly doused with anti-bacterial spray before I sit in it.
Also, all guests and staff must maintain a five-foot perimeter around me at all times, and the engineers must refer to me as "Mr. Moreland".
The only slip up was when one of our interns looked me in the eye, shook my hand and introduced himself, saying, "Hey Dan, I'm a big, big fans of yours!!!!".
After one call from Fritz, the kid is flipping burgers at a White Castle.
Compassion, thy name is Fritz Capp!
5. Fritz is a huge fan of 80s heavy metal.
That alone, internet readers is reason enough to vote for the man!
So there you go. If THAT endorsement is NOT enough to convince you to vote for Fritz Capp this week and propel him to a King of the Internet Reporters coronation, then I don't know what else to say.
Except that- ahem . . .it might be possible to vote more than once if you have . . ahem more than one user name!!!! Wink wink hint hint.
DAN MORELAND
"WRESTLING'S MOST BELOVED JOURNALIST
PWBTS 2000
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland