NHL NITRO ON FOX
2/22/99 UPDATE

This is the first NHL on Fox show run by wrestling bookers in an effort to bolster sagging ratings . . . .

The Philadelphia Flyers at Chicago Blackhawks game is broadcast . . . Before the face-off, a limousine pulls up to the United Center parking garage . . .

Broadcasters Jim Jackson and Steve Coates intro the show. Color commentator Darren Pang leaves the booth to acknowledge cheers of "Darren! Darren!" from his hometown Chicago crowd. Jim Jackson promos the game as the "greatest hockey game of all time" and the most "important event of this or any millennium". He also announces Flyers winger Mikael Renberg was supposed to suit up but couldn't be found, and the Flyers must have him on the ice tonight if they have any chance of beating today Chicago in the Windy City . . .

Three minutes into the first period, cameras zoom into the hallway of the dressing room where NHL commissioner Gary Bentmann is having a super secret private confidential discussion with Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke with cameras rolling and everything they are saying being heard on the microphone. . . .

Blackhawks center Jeff Schantz and winger Tony Amonte begin pummeling Flyer goaltender John Vanbiesbrouk with slapshots. All the sudden Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tony Twist's voice could be heard on the microphone. The action on the ice stops as Twist comes down from the crowd and onto the ice wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs tee shirt. He orders both teams off the ice and they comply. Fellow Leafs Tie Domi and Jamie Baker follow him. "Hey yo!"says Twist as the crowd pops, "I wanna know if this is Blackhawk country or Maple Leaf country?" The crowd, being from Chicago, cheers "Blackhawks!!!!!" "Another win for the good guys!" proclaims Twist. (Strangely, Fox's ratings went down 2 points during this segment.) This concluded the first period, score 0-0.

As the Blackhawks go to the dressing room, cameras follow, and on camera members of the Maple Leafs brutally attack and club Chicago Blackhawk defenseman Keith Carney who was alone in a bathroom stall . . . . Eric Lindros and Peter White of the Flyers join the brawl by attacking Maple Leafs players. Chris Chelios of the Blackhawks, thinking the Flyers were beating up on of his teammates, jumps in but is destroyed by Lindros. . . .

At the first intermission, we are treated to en exhibition hockey game between the Guadalajara Gophers and the Mexico City Sewer Rats, all wearing lucha masks. The Rats win the game 22-4 in a game where one of the Gophers does a triple senton placha off the 200 level onto Rats defenseman Juan Gomez and Rats center El Puckadilio does a somersault over the Gophers goaltender as he scores his 15th goal in 10 minutes. The arena is half empty at this point as all the fans went to get concessions and buy tee shirts. Darren Pang remarks how he would stop all 22 of those goals when he was a goaltender back in 1942.

Two minutes into the second period, Eric Lindros accepts a John LeClair pass and scores the first goal of the game. On the next shift, Balckhawks defensemenn Chris Chelios takes a retaliatory run at Lindros into the boards, knocking him unconscious . . . .

Wayne Gretzky's wife is sitting in the stands watching the game . . . all the sudden Washington Capitols center Dale Hunter sits next to her and starts harassing her . . . .she gets up and walks out in disgust with Hunter following her . . . cut to live camera shot of New York Rangers superstar Wayne Gretzky watching all of this form his penthouse in Manhattan . . . . .Gretzky is outraged and trashes his living room . . .

We see Lindro's ambulance leave for the hospital as Chicago scores the tying goal. . .

Cut to a dressing room that says "Mr. Renberg". We hear heavy breathing and moaning from the inside . . . .

At the second intermission, we see the limousine doors open up. Its Jaromir Jagr and Kevin Hatcher of the Pittsburgh Penguins! The crowd goes nuts! . . . .

They also show a clip of the winners of the Fox NHL Nitro party. Interviewer Brian Propp talks to drunken, horny college kids in a crowded dorm trying to grope the NHL Nitro Girls who are there for the party . . . .

The third period opens up and Chicago's Eric Daze scores to put the Hawks up 2-1. We get a report form Jim Jackson who has a note saying that Eric Lidros has commandeered the ambulance and is headed to the local Hells Angels clubhouse to pick up his friend Chuck Zito . . .

After the commercial they play Vancouver Canucks captain Mark Messier's latest video, where he is riding a low rider car in the streets of Tijuana . . . they played this video 14 times during the game . . . .

Cameras zoom to the Pittsburgh Penguins dressing room, where Jaromir Jagr and Kevin Hatcher are watching the game, acting real cool. They are acting totally cool, drinking beer and making one-liners and doing other stuff that has nothing to do at all with the hockey game . . . Flyers GM Bobby Clarke walks in . . . the cameras cut away as the announcer ask what is going on . . .

We get a live shot of Eric Lindros and Hell's Angel Chuck Zito riding in the back of a limo. Lindros is on a cell phone asking the operator for Chris Chelio's home address . . .

The Flyers tie the game 2-2. Flyers defensman Karl Dykhuis gets a note while skating on the ice. He immediately leaves the ice at the protests of Flyers head coach Roger Nielson and heads to the dressing room. . .

We get a live camera shot of the Sears Tower in Chicago. We see Mrs. Gretzky being thrown off the top of the building by Dale Hunter . . . at this point three minutes and twenty two seconds of the actual hockey game have been broadcast thus far . . .

The cameras finally get into Mikael Renberg's dressing room where we see him handcuffed and covered with whipped cream while getting serviced by two hookers . . .we hear teammate Ron Hextall yelling from the outside that the game is tied and the Flyers desperately need him to come out . . . Renberg yells back "IM COMING! IM COMING!!!!!" . . . .

The limo with Lindros and Zito arrives at a house in suburban Chicago. The two get out and knock on the door. A little boy in a Chicago Blackhwks jersey answers. Lindros ask his name, and he says "Billy Chelios", Chris Chelios son. Lindros and Zito break into the house and proceed to beat the little kid with hockey sticks as the cameramen capture all the action and do nothing to get help for Billy . . .

After three more fights (making the total 14 for the game), Chicago's Eric Daze scores again to make the score 3-2 with three minutes left. Roger Nielson is going nuts asking his bench where Mikael Renberg and Karl Dykhuis are . . .

We cut to the Penguins dressing room. Dykhuis walks in. Bobby Clarke informs him that his contract extension has been denied and he's getting traded to the Nashville Predators for a new Zamboni Ice Machine. Jaromir Jagr and Kevin Hatcher proceed to beat the crap out of Dykhuis and spraypaint a Penguin on his back.Announcer Jim Jackson screams is this a collusion between Flyers GM Bobby Clarke and the Pittsburgh Penguins? . . .

As the game winds down, Chicago's Tony Amonte knocks Flyers goaltender John VanBiesbrouck out with a taser and scores to wrap up the game 4-2. Mikael Renberg finally shows up on the Flyers bench in his boxers and in handcuffs and tries to explain to his teammates that he was seduced by two hookers paid by the Chicago Blackhawks. The Flyers proceed to take off their gloves and punch and kick him to death. All the players from both teams then slash their own wrists with their skates. Everyone in the audience takes cyanide laced Kool-Aid after witnessing three hours of atrocities and the head of Fox Network jumps out of a window after losing to NBC's NBA IS WAR in the rating s by 2 points. TV sets across the country have bricks thrown in them.

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Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland