AS I SEE IT 10/3: Thoughts on the rant of a "Warrior"

AS I SEE IT
Bob Magee
Pro Wrestling: Between the Sheets
PWBTS.com

Well, it seems like WWE may not win my nomination for most classless wrestling-related moment of 2005. Not after you read last week's delusional ramblings of Jim Hellwig...or as he views himself... "Warrior". Sorry, I don't call people by cartoon names. 'Warrior" was born as Jim Hellwig, and that's what I'll refer to him as throughout this column.

It does first have to be said that the "Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior" DVD by WWE wasn't exactly a love poem by Vince McMahon or those who spoke on it; including Bobby Heenan, HHH, Hulk Hogan, and Ric Flair, among others. It was clearly a slam job...no question about it.

But there is a way to respond to something like this DVD...if at all. However, what Jim Hellwig chose to do was lower than anything Vince McMahon has ever done to him...a response as seen in the rant below. If you wish to read it in full, it's located at this link.

If you don't, catch instead some of these quotes (the profanity and classless comments are Jim Hellwig's, not mine):

"I tried to tell you, Ultimate Warrior is bigger than our dislike for one another. You should have just let Him be what He was..."

It must be nice to think of yourself as a God, so as to feel the need to capitalize your name throughout your rant...or arrogant enough to speak of yourself in the third person.

Referring to Todd Grisham and Darren Drozdov, who host "Byte This":

"Order the queer and the cripple who host the show to read what I have written here and here, and while they do that have them hold up mirrors looking at themselves so they can know exactly the kind of people in your organization I'm writing about. No apologies -- I don't discriminate for the handicapped who sign on to behave degenerately."

Yep... gaybaiting an announcer, and ridiculing a wrestler who was crippled as the result of an accident in the ring is a surefire way to get sympathy for claims of mistreatment by your employer.

Referring to McMahon's then-secretary Emily Feinberg:

"...Surprise! you pulled a 180 on me and courageously suspended me after the ‘91 Summerslam match by handing me a tough, condescending letter. You expected me to drop to my knees right then and lick one of the three balls you claimed you had, begging you to take me back, right there in that MSG locker room, right there in front of your adulterous ball licker at the time, Mrs. Emily Feinburg, (so you could show her, I guess, how big a man you were), but I told you that Emily was the one good at it and you wouldn’t be seeing me for quite some time."

Lawyers are probably smacking their lips at that one.

Regarding Jim Ross:

"The best I can say about you is that you remind [me] of a sodomized Ned Beatty squealing like a pig in Deliverance. "

How original....

Then, there's this disgraceful piece of garbage about Bobby Heenan:

"...As for you, Booby Heenan, it’s just too difficult to keep a straight face talking about the pure two-faced bag of shit you are (and have always been), what, with you also actually wearing one as a piece of body jewelry.

You are dying, dis-eased on the inside, and no more time is left to get back any of the integrity that matters the most on death’s bed. Imagine what it will be like, lying there taking in your last breaths, knowing you whored yourself out your whole life, and had to, in your final years, be faced with emptying your own personal shit bag affirming to you the true value of what you achieved in your life. Not even Vince could come up with a better finish than this. Creamed corn is just a beautiful thing to behold..."

That paragraph is some of the most vicious chicken@#$t I've read in a long time.

Somehow I imagine that neither cancer survivors, their caregivers, nor their families consider a colostomy bag to be "body jewelry".

Considering how many pharmecuticals Hellwig has consumed during his career (by his own admission) Hellwig had better hope there are no side effects from them that cause him ill health in years to come; or at least not hope to recieve any sympathy if he ever becomes ill as the long-term results of his consumption of them.

When Jim Hellwig and Bobby Heenan leave this earth...you have to wonder how many people will mourn their passing. it's pretty obvious that many people will mourn Bobby Heenan's passing. Anyone want to take bets how many people outside his biological family will miss Jim Hellwig?

WWE responded on its online Byte This show this past week, with WWE's Striker coming out as "Warrior", using his ability to do knockoffs of WWE workers (hilarious enough when he did them during 3PW shows at the ECW Arena...but are even better used here): "HERE I AM! AHHHHHHHH!!!"...and then read excerpts of the "Warrior" rant, including the references to Grisham and Drozdov. Todd Grisham then cracked to Striker/Warrior about the "queer" reference: "... it was just an experimental phase in college".

Co-host Darren Drozdov then responded by telephone: "I hear that the Psychotic... I mean the Anabolic... You're nice and jacked up, I see....Takes a big set of nads to call somebody in a wheelchair a cripple."

If you'd like to see the edited Byte This in full (removing a reference to Hellwig being on steroids), go to this link. Fast forward about 15 minutes into the show, after an interview with Edge to see this segment.

Striker was funny. The Warrior wasn't...not even a little bit. He ought to be ashamed of himself for the kinds of comments he made.

But living in his own delusional world...he won't be. He'd probably respond to a column like this with his usual namecalling of anyone online that knows him for what he is...a delusional former wrestler who lives his gimmick 24 hours per day, and who is willing to descend to any level to attack anyone who points him out for what he is.

On a more constructive note...I'd like my readers, wherever they may live, to take some time and consider how they might help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. The various charities listed below can receive donations online through the Network for Good portal.

To donate cash by telephone:

  • American Red Cross (800) HELP NOW/(800) 435-7669 English; (800) 257-7575 Spanish
  • America's Second Harvest (800) 344-8070

    To donate cash or volunteer:

  • Adventist Community Services -- (800) 381-7171
  • Catholic Charities, USA -- (703) 549-1390
  • Christian Disaster Response -- (941) 956-5183/(941) 551-9554
  • Christian Reformed World Relief Committee -- (800) 848-5818
  • Church World Service -- (800) 297-1516
  • Convoy of Hope -- (417) 823-8998
  • Lutheran Disaster Response -- (800) 638-3522
  • Mennonite Disaster Service -- (717) 859-2210
  • Nazarene Disaster Response -- (888) 256-5886
  • Presbyterian Disaster Assistance -- (800) 872-3283
  • Salvation Army -- (800) SAL-ARMY/(800) 725-2769
  • Southern Baptist Convention -- Disaster Relief (800) 462-8657, ext. 6440
  • United Methodist Committee on Relief -- (800) 554-8583

    Until next time....

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    If you have comments/questions, or if you'd like to add the AS I SEE IT column to your website, I can be reached by e-mail at bobmagee1@hotmail.com)